eye of the storm
by Befham
Summary: AU after 6x10. Jax and Tara deal with the consequences of their actions.
1. 1

**AU as of 6x10, because I still can't deal with how things ended.**

* * *

><p>Tara's hands are still shaking as she clutches the steering wheel. The image of the dried up whore riding her husband's dick is burned into her memory and no matter how much distance she puts between them, it will never be enough to wipe that memory away.<p>

She thinks of nothing but the morbid satisfaction she had felt at finally having somebody to take her anger out on. The feeling of her knuckles splitting open as they connected with the whore's soft skin as the possessive anger burned through her veins. It was an old friend that she had embraced with welcoming arms. It had been a regular feeling back when she was nineteen and in love with the bad ass biker who looked at no other girl but her, but that hadn't stopped the jealous girls going after her man anyway. That burning anger had been a constant in her life in her cat fighting days, something she had thought had been deeply buried the moment she left Charming. But just one look at Jackson Teller had brought back the possessiveness she had spent ten years burying. It didn't matter that they hadn't laid eyes on one another in a decade, he was hers and she was his, always and forever.

But once the anger dimmed, the pain pushed through.

She had never felt so much pain as when she found him with Ima. This was so much worse. To actually _see_ him with another woman was a torture she had never been prepared for. There were no excuses to be made this time, it wasn't to protect her or to push her away. He fucked that whore to hurt her, to punish her.

But she could have handled that. Understood it, even. She had hurt him, and he had wanted to hurt her the only way he knew how.

No, what broke her heart was the look on Jax's face before the shock of seeing her standing there in the doorway set in. He had looked at the blonde with such desire, with a fierce longing that had been absent from his eyes for weeks. What hurt her beyond comprehension was that he did it because he wanted to. Because no matter how much she wanted to get out of Charming with her boys, leaving Jax was not something she wanted to do. She loved him, more than her own life but not more than her sons. She would have readily followed him down the path to hell, but her innocent boys made her see what he couldn't. Charming was poisonous, and if they didn't get out now, then her sons would be stuck here to repeat history all over again.

She would rather rip out her own heart before she let that happen.

The tears spring to Tara's eyes and though she keeps them shut, a couple of tears manage to escape anyway. She pushes them away impatiently and tries to think of anything other than Jackson Teller. But it's no use. No matter how much vodka she tosses back the image is burned into her brain where it will remain forever.

She knows what she should do. She should crawl on her hands and knees and beg Patterson to make a new deal to keep her boys safe. But no matter how many times she talks herself into finally doing it, she just can't bring herself to commit that final act of betrayal.

_Suck it up, you stupid bitch. Your boys need you._

It doesn't matter how much time or distance she puts between them. Jackson Teller was hers, and nothing would ever be able to change that.

And it's with that thought that she turns her car around and heads back to Charming.

* * *

><p>The image of Clay Morrow's bullet ridden body is something she can't get out of her head. The man who had caused them all such pain, prevented Jax from leaving the club, destroyed her career, tried to have her killed, was finally out of there lives. She escapes to the bedroom to clean herself up after Bobby is stable, but in truth she wanted to get away from Jax's brothers crowded into one room.<p>

She hears him enter the bedroom but she can't bring herself to look at him. This man just killed his step-father for many reasons, but she is sure that one of those reasons was because of her and she loves him for it.

God, what has happened to her?

She feels his eyes burning holes into the back of her skull. It's the first time they've been alone since she found him in bed with another woman and proceeded to pull a gun on him. Not knowing what to say, she continues looking down.

"I made a deal with Patterson. I gave her the Irish, and she's gonna stop looking into the club. All charges against you have been dropped. You're not going to jail, Tara."

Tara turns in shock. He's staring at her intently and she can't help but notice how worn out he looks.

"I understand. Why you did everything. I'm sorry that being with me took you to that place."

She remains silent because what is she supposed to say? _Thank you _seems pretty inadequate right now. But then he's turning to leave and she can't leave it like this. She's throwing herself in his arms before she can stop herself and holding onto him with everything inside of her. They are so fucked up right now and in truth she doesn't think that they will ever get back to how they were, doesn't even know if she wants them to. But no matter what, he's given her back her future with her boys, and she will never be able to repay him for that.

She doesn't want to let go, and when his arms tighten around her she has the feeling that he doesn't want to either. In this moment, it's just them, Jax and Tara. They aren't the biker and the doctor, they aren't mommy and daddy.

Just for that moment, he is the man she has been in love with for half of her life.

But then he's pulling away from her and saying, "I'll drive you home," and the moment is over, and they are back to reality where painful silences and distrustful looks are the highs of their relationship.


	2. 2

Tara doesn't expect him to follow her into the house. She isn't ready for the confrontation that is sure to come. Part of her wants to put on her running shoes and get the hell out of this house, but she knows that running isn't an answer for her problems since the moment she became a mother.

Jax's eyes are now burning holes into the back of her skull as she fussed about the kitchen, delaying the inevitable. Clay's dead body still haunts her memory, but that is soon eclipsed by the prostitute straddling her husband. The gratefulness she had felt evaporates and once again hurt and anger burns through her veins. The silence is unbearable and before she knows it she speaks.

"Do you have something to say Jax, or are you just going to stare at me for the rest of the day?"

Jax lets out a breath. "I don't know what to say?"

"Then why are you still here?"

"Because this is my home," he says softly.

Tara laughs bitterly. "You haven't been here in weeks. So why are you here now?"

Jax runs a hand through his hair. "We can't leave things like this Tara."

Realising he's right, Tara straightens her spine and tries to keep her shame and anger at bay. Because despite what she feels, this man deserves an explanation for her actions.

"Everything I did, it was for our boys. They deserve so much better than this life. I tried to see what you see, how you see it but I can't," Tara says, softly. She lets out a shaky breath. "All I see are the lies and the violence, and it's going to hurt them one day. It's changed you, and it's turning you into a monster."

"I never forced my life on you," Jax bites out stiffly. "You came back to me. You're a part of what I am Tara. You always have been."

"That was my mistake," she lies. Maybe coming back had been a mistake, but she would never have had Abel and Thomas if she had stayed in Chicago. And her boys make the last five years of hell worth it.

"I don't think there's anything left to say. You need to leave."

"There's plenty left to say."

"There really isn't."

"Tara-"

"You want to talk? Fine. Was she good?" Tara bites out nonchalantly, as if they were discussing the weather.

The flash of surprise across his face only fuels her anger. "Tara-"

"How was she? Did you get your moneys worth?" She raises an eyebrow scornfully. "Personally, I think she's a little too old for your usual taste, but maybe MILFs are what you're into these days."

Tara relishes in the spark of anger in his eyes. "Stop it Tara."

"Based on the little psychology I've studied, I'd say you've got some mommy issues, baby. Is she one of your favourites? I'm guessing that wasn't the first time you've been with her. But what do I know, right? I'm only your wife."

"God dammit!" he shouts, and for an awful moment she honestly thinks that he's about to strike her. "Fine! Just fucking stop okay!" Jax runs an agitated hand through his hair. "What do you want from me, Tara? You want to divorce me? Take my kids away from me?" He leans closer to her and she can see the barely suppressed rage in his eyes. "That ain't going to happen, babe."

"I want the image of you and that _fucking_ woman to stop playing in my head," she hisses at him. "I want you to put your family first for once! I want to take our kids and get away from this fucking poisonous town and your toxic mother. I want to be able to take my kids to the park without looking over my shoulder for the most recent enemy of the club-"

"This is about us, not the club-"

"Everything about you always relates back to the club! Can't you see what it's turning you into? What it's turning _me_ into? We're becoming the people who we hate most in the world! You might want to carry on going down that path, but I can't."

"We are not Gemma and Clay."

"No, but if we carry on then we will be. You _promised_, Jax," she says, her voice cracking with emotion. "You wanted to leave too. I understood you wanting to fix the things that Clay broke. I stood by you! But everything's fixed now, the club is out of drugs, out of guns. Yet you're still here!

"I have given up everything for you. I came back here for you. I've given up my career for you. But I will not stand by and let our sons follow your path."

The times he has put the club before her, before their family. The times he has pushed her away for her own safety. The women he's fucked behind her back. All of the promises that he has broken, it all comes bubbling up to the surface.

"I love you Jax," she hisses in his face. "I love you and I _fucking hate you _for doing this to us_." _

He stares at her and she can finally see that horrid emotionless mask starting to fade. _My son loves deep, hates deeper. _She's beginning to wonder if those words are true. For the first time in weeks she is seeing the real him, and though it kills her a little inside to see his vicious anger directed at her, she embraces it because now he knows how she feels.

His lips are on hers before she can spit out more of her hatred.

She bites his lip harshly and groans into his mouth because _finally_, this is real. His hands are tugging off her jacket and she's pushing off his cut and unzipping his hoodie. He wrenches his mouth away from hers and sucks on the sensitive skin of her neck and she knows that he's marking her, showing the world that even if they do hate each other, she is still his.

Tara tugs his hair impatiently and he finally releases her tender skin. She pulls her top over her head and her greedy hands reach for his belt buckle. She feels his eyes burning holes into her but she pays him no mind as she pushes down his jeans and wraps a hand around his hard length.

He groans and it's such a delicious sound that her eyes snap back to his. She almost wants to smile smugly because she knows that only she can do this to him, make him feel like this. After fifteen years, they know the other's body and how to make the other see stars. In that moment it doesn't matter how many women he has had over the years. Without a doubt, she is the only one who can bring him to his knees with a simple twist of her wrist.

She loves the power that she has over him.

Her hand tightens around him and she's just about to tease him some more but then he's stepping away from her and for an awful moment she is sure that he's going to stop. But then he's reaching for her and pulling down her jeans impatiently and kicking off his shoes.

His hand cups her sex and his skilled fingers have her soaked in seconds. She spreads her legs for him as he pushes her panties to the side and has two fingers buried inside of her before she can blink. She leans back against the table as he looms over her. She couldn't escape him even if she wanted to. Tara rocks against his hand, and she tips her head to brush her mouth against his bearded jaw.

Tara cries out in ecstasy as he fucks her, his fingers curling inside of her and his thumb rubbing her clitoris without mercy. She comes almost immediately, the walls of her cunt fluttering around his fingers. Jax snaps her bra off within seconds. "Jax!" she cries out shamelessly when he adds a third finger. He carries on fucking her with his fingers until she is a quivering mess and just when she's having her second orgasm, he whispers darkly in her ear, "It doesn't matter if you hate me, you will always love me Tara."

And then he's pulling away from her and she's crying out in dismay as she realises that he's going to leave. She can't stop herself from reaching out for him and kissing him with insistent lips. She knows that this is wrong, that she's not ready for this or to forgive him because everything she said was true.

But it's _Jax_. The man who she has loved for so long that he's a part of her now. She's missed him after those long weeks of feeling like strangers. Despite their fucked up relationship, this intimacy has always been simple between them.

His mouth is hot against hers and she is powerless to resist. His calloused hands reach down to cup her ass and then he is lifting her. Her legs wrap around him instinctively and then he's walking slowly towards their bedroom. He lays her down gently on their bed and pulls away from her mouth to press soft kisses down her body, fingers trailing down her sides. She welcomes his familiar touch that brings her so much warmth and comfort.

His beard makes her shiver in delight as he presses a sucking kiss to the inside of thigh as he slides her soaked panties down her legs. Jax grabs her waist, sliding her towards him and then he has her legs hooked over his shoulders and his mouth is on her.

He takes her like she his own personal feast.

Tara's back arches and moans softly as his talented tongue sets every nerve ending on fire. His eyes never leave her face, his hold on her ass tightening. She reaches down and runs a hand through his hair as he sucks greedily on her clitoris, unsure if she wants to push him away or pull him closer. She's crying out his name in ecstasy, and she can see the smug satisfaction in his eyes at still being the only one who can make her a shaking mess. He picks up speed, kissing, licking, sucking and just when he uses a hint of teeth, she's finally having the most intense orgasm of her life when he pulls away. Tara cries out in dismay instead of euphoria.

But then Jax is crawling up her body and hovering over her. For a moment they do nothing but stare at each other. They breath each other in, lips so close that they brush against each other.

_How have we become this?_ she wonders.

Then he's closing the gap between them and laying the gentlest kiss on her lips. She can taste herself on his tongue and it sends a thrill down her spine. Tara pulls him closer until they are completely wrapped around each other. Then he's burying himself inside of her, and she can't help but sigh at the delicious sensation of him stretching her.

"Look at me," he whispers, his voice rough with desire. She looks at him, and once again he is the man that she loves and in that moment she feels whole again. This is when they are at their best, when it's just the two of them locked away from the world. Tara gently presses her lips against his shoulder.

He fucks her slowly as if they have all the time in the world, never taking his eyes off of hers as if he's memorizing every little thing about her. Her breasts brush against his chest with every thrust causing her breath to catch in her throat. She's close but she doesn't want this to end. "Don't stop," Tara whispers. Jax grabs her hand and links their fingers together.

His rhythm never alters and his slow, hard thrusts have her gasping in pleasure. With each thrust her orgasm builds higher and higher and then she's shattering into a million pieces. Jax's eyes stay locked on her the entire time. Each thrust gets harder and harder until he buries his face in her neck and spills himself inside of her.

They stay that way for a long time, each trying to catch their breath, until Jax lifts his head. He looks down at her with tender eyes and the trace of a smile on his lips. He places a soft kiss on her nose, then on her lips and then he wraps his arms around her waist and rolls them over, hugging her to him. She feels oddly peaceful, thinking that this is the first time in months that there are no more secrets between them.

"God, I love you so much," she hears him mumble against her neck a few moments later. And she tries, she really tries to hold onto that peaceful feeling, but the moment those words are whispered against her skin, all of the painful memories flood back in.

Theres no changing the past and despite how she rationalizes it, there are no excuses this time. Her husband had sex with another woman. Jax was _inside_ the pretty blonde whore despite the fact that he made a vow to her. That woman knows what he looks like naked, the tattoos, the scars. She knows what he feels like inside of her. She knows what he looks like when he comes. And though part of her wants to bash the whore's head in, the bigger part wants to hurt Jax just as much as he constantly hurts her.

Ima she rationalized. He had told her that they were over, Abel had been kidnapped, claimed that he was trying to protect her. She forgave, but she never forgot.

He had every reason to want to hurt her after everything that she had caused. But this? He didn't only betray her. Jackson betrayed their boys, their little family, just to get back at her.

And she doesn't think that's something she can ever forgive him for.

Tara tenses, and Jax must feel that he's losing her because he's pulling her closer to him. "Tara-"

"Let go of me," she says quietly.

He holds her tighter. "Babe-"

"Get your hands off of me!"

He reluctantly lets her go. Tara's out of the bed in seconds and pulling the sheet around her naked body as if is battle armour. The moment that she's away from him she wonders _what the fuck have I done._ The delicious ache between her legs suddenly makes her feel sick to her stomach. With shaking hands she pulls the sheet tighter against her body and makes her way into the bathroom. "You need to leave," she tosses over her shoulder.

"Can we talk about this?" he questions as he follows her.

"There's nothing left to talk about. Get out." She goes to shut the bathroom door but his hand blocks her. Tara's eyes are suspiciously damp but she can't let him see her like this. He has broken her, _again_, but she will be damned if she lets him see it.

"I'm not going anywhere babe," he says surprisingly gently. "Please let me back in."

"I can't," she whispers, feeling suddenly exhausted.

"Please baby," he whispers, pulling her into his arms. She wants to stop feeling like this. She wants to go back to their life where they're happy again. "Just let me back in."

"You _hurt_ me Jax." She hates the way her voice breaks on the last word. "You're constantly hurting me and I can't let you do it anymore.. I won't."

Jax's hands cup her face. "We can get through this babe. All of the shit that has happened, we can work it out. You just have to meet me halfway here Tara."

They stare at one another. For a moment she is tempted to say yes, that maybe she can forget what he did and maybe he can forget what she did. Because despite everything she still loves him. But there will always be one thing standing between them.

"You're never going to leave Charming, are you?" she asks, already knowing the answer but dreading hearing it spoken out loud.

Jax stares at her, as if begging her to understand but she _can't._ How can he want their babies to grow up with so much death and violence in their lives? He looks away from her, and says, "I can't leave yet, Tara."

She blinks away the tears that threaten to fall. It's all suddenly becoming so real. She thought that she'd prepared herself for this, the end of their marriage, but now that the moment has come, she doesn't know if she can survive this.

Swallowing painfully, Tara blinks back her tears and steps away from him. "You want to know what I want?" she asks softly. "I want you to keep your promises. I want to watch the boys grow up happily. I want to live in a safe place with my family. I want to grow old with you." She waits until he looks back at her when she tells him, "But most of all I want my husband back."

Jax's face falls and he's reaching out for her. "Tara-"

She takes a step back. "I think that it's best if you leave now, Jackson."


	3. 3

After that night he doesn't bother to come home. There's a distance between them that neither know how to handle. They barely speak, only to say a few words to one another when he picks up the boys and drops them off. A prospect still follows her. "For your own protection," Jax had grumbled at her. But they both know it's in case she decides to take the kids and run again.

It's not until she's at the grocery store, with a prospect trailing after her like a bad smell, after almost two months of frosty silence and she's picking up a box of tampons that she realises her period's late. Very late. Her heart drops to her stomach. _No. Not now._ With the boys and everything with Jax, paying attention to the dates of her cycle was the last thing on her mind.

"Is everything okay, Mrs Teller?" the prospect asks nervously, snapping her out of her thoughts. Tara turns to glare at him because seriously? The baby faced biker decides to break his silence now?

"It's Dr Knowles," she spits at him harshly, still reeling from her revelation and being called Mrs Teller. The flush that rises on his cheeks makes her feel guilty, but she rationalises that if he wants to start hanging around with bikers, then he had better grow a thicker skin if he can't even handle a hormonal possibly pregnant lady.

Thomas giggles happily in the baby chair. With Abel at preschool, and her counselling sessions at the hospital cut back, she had taken to bringing Thomas with her almost everywhere she went. After weeks of nightmares of Jax and Gemma taking her boys from her, she can't stand to have them far from her sight. Tara picks Thomas up and clutches him to her chest. For his sake, she makes an effort to soften her voice. "I'm fine, thank you.."

"Oliver. My names Oliver, Dr Knowles." He smiles nervously at her, reminding her of a labrador desperate to please his mistress. She feels her face softening and wonders why this polite young man would ever want to get mixed up in SAMCRO. He glances down at the box of tampons she's still clutching and asks quietly, "Do you want me to call Jax?"

"No. I'm fine."

She ignores the doubtful look on his face and drops the tampons into the cart. She also drops in a pregnancy test and if the prospect notices, then he doesn't comment on it. She ignores him for the rest of the day and concentrates on Thomas. She takes him to the park, she feeds the ducks as he squeals in delight. The prospect keeps his distance and she tries to ignore the phone calls he receives every hour for an update of where she is and what she is doing.

She picks up Abel from preschool, talks to his teacher about how well he's settling in. She takes him out for ice cream on the way home. Thomas is happily sleeping away tucked up against her as Abel devours his chocolate sundae. She's too nervous to eat personally, but she lets the little boy enjoy himself. "When can I see daddy?" Abel asks, his mouth covered in chocolate ice cream.

Tara forces a smile. "Well, how about I ask if he can see you tonight? Would you like that little man?" Abel smiles and nods happily. Tara's smile is real this time as she quickly grabs her phone and takes a picture of a smiling Abel covered in chocolate ice cream. She looks at her boys, Thomas her own flesh and blood, and Abel, who was just as much her son despite the fact she did not give birth to him.

She ignores the nervous flutter in the stomach at the thought of having another baby. Because despite the fact that everything is wrong right now and she can just about protect the children she already has, a part of her wants nothing more than to give Jackson the baby girl they had discussed months ago.

She calls Jax and asks if he wants to see the boys before bedtime, and though their conversation is stunted, it warms her heart when he readily agrees. When she pulls into the clubhouse that is being slowly rebuilt, he's already sitting at the picnic table. Abel unfastens his seatbelt and shoots out the door as soon as the car's stopped. His little legs run to his father and he's squealing in delight when Jax lifts him in the air and swings him around. "Hey buddy," she can hear Jax saying as she picks up a still sleeping Thomas in his baby carrier. "How was school?"

Abel chatters happily away and if Jax can keep up with everything he's saying, then she's surprised. He's too absorbed in Abel to notice her scrutiny. She can't help but notice the similarities between father and son, more so than with Thomas. Abel looks just like his father, and in her darkest moments, she is glad that there is nothing of Wendy in him.

The sight warms her heart, because even though Jackson Teller is a shitty husband, he is still a good father.

"Hey," she interrupts when Abel finally takes a breath after telling his father about his school day. "Abel wanted to see you. Are you okay with them for a couple of hours?"

"Of course," he says, careful not to look at her. He puts Abel down and takes Thomas from her. "You know you can stay too, if you want," he says quietly.

Part of her wants to say yes so that the boys can see them together after so much change, but the pregnancy test is currently burning a hole in her bag and she just needs to get this over with. "I have to go to St Thomas," she lies and then immediately wants to take it back. Jax knows as well as she does that she only goes to the hospital a few days a week to give counselling sessions and for physio therapy for her hand.

He frowns slightly. "Are you okay?"

_If only you knew baby. _

"I'm just giving a consult on an old patient. I won't be too long."

"Right." He smiles down at Abel. "See you later then."

"Bye mommy," Abel cries out, waving at her happily as he grabs Jax's free hand and tugs him along. Tara waves back and for a split seconds she catches his eye. The image of a blonde haired little girl with blue eyes flashes before her eyes and suddenly she has to know. She has to know if she's carrying this man's baby.

Tara jumps into her car and drives back home as fast as the speed limit allowed. She briefly notices that the prospect isn't following her but her new sense of freedom vanishes the moment she is pulling into the house and clutching the pregnancy test with shaking hands.

She pees on the stick.

She paces the kitchen for two minutes.

She jumps when the timer on her phone goes off.

She looks at the test.

"Shit," she breathes out shakily.

First all of the shit with Kohn, Abel's kidnapping, and now this. Her traitorous body seems to make a baby at the most inopportune moments.

* * *

><p>She pulls into the clubhouse and tries think of anything but the fetus inside of her. She feels ridiculously nervous and unprepared to face Jax, as if one look at her he will be able to tell that she's carrying his child.<p>

The thought makes her want to jump for joy and puke on his shoes at the same time.

They're sitting at the picnic table when she arrives. Abel's colouring away and she hopes to God that means that he's going to be sleepy by the time they get home. Jax is sitting next to him and making faces at a giggling Thomas as he bounces him in his lap. Her heart breaks at the sight and she wants nothing more than to go and join them. She wants to wrap her arms around him and press a kiss to his lips. But no matter how much she want it, she just can't bring herself to do it.

"Mommy!" Abel squeals and waves her over excitedly. Thomas barely notices her, never taking his eyes off of Jax. He tugs on his beard and shrieks with laughter.

"Hey baby. Are you ready to go?" Abel nods and he quickly stuffs his things in his backpack.

"I'll see you soon, buddy," Jax says as he hugs Abel to him. He passes Thomas over to her after he presses a gentle kiss to his head. She's careful not to look at him the whole time. She's putting the boys in the car when she feels his presence behind her.

"Tara are you okay?" he calls after her. She can see the worry in his eyes and suddenly she snaps because if it wasn't for him, none of this would be happening. If they had just left Charming when he had said they would, then she would be happily telling him that he was going to be a father for the third time, not feeling sick to the stomach about having to tell him.

"I'm fine! Jesus Christ. Stop asking me if I'm okay! Just leave me alone Jax. " She climbs into the car before he can respond, but she doesn't miss the flash of anger across his face before the emotionless mask slips into place. She feels a flash of guilt because any headway they were making has surely disappeared after that.

* * *

><p>She avoids him for a week, barely speaking a word to him when he picks up the boys. From the cold glances and the cold words, she figures that he's still mad. She avoids him so she can try to work up the nerve to tell him she's pregnant. It takes all of her courage to pick up the phone and call him. It's the first time she calls him about something other than the boys.<p>

"Yeah?" he grounds out in that frustrated monotone that he saves just for her.

She swallows her nerves and tries to adopt the same tone. She suspects that it doesn't have the same effect on him as it does on her. "I need to talk to you."

"Then talk."

"In person," she hisses down the phone. She can picture the expression on his face, that blank emotionless mask that he now wears in her presence and it makes her blood boil and her heart ache. There had once been a time where he had hid nothing from her, especially not his feelings. "It's important Jax."

He sighs impatiently. "Look Tara, I'm busy. Can't this wait for a day or two-"

"I'm pregnant."

She's almost enjoys the stunned silence on the other end of the line. And then she remembers how fucked up this whole situation is and feels foolish. Tara sighs and says in her gentlest voice that she saves for the boys, "Jax please say-"

He cuts her off. "I'll be there in ten," he grounds out and hangs up on her.

Charming.

* * *

><p>It's the longest ten minutes of her life. She sits at the table staring at the clock and when she finally hears his Dyna, she quickly grabs a medical journal and tries to look absorbed in it and not like she's been worry about him or this pregnancy for the last ten minutes. He strides into the house as if he still sleeps there every night, but it's the first time in weeks that he's come in other than to pick the boys up.<p>

She waits impatiently and has to resist tapping her foot on the floor. Because she is so scared right now and she doesn't know what to do or what's going to happen and she wants nothing more than for him to put his arms around her and tell her it's going to be okay, which let's face it, there's more chance of Gemma hugging her than Jax even laying a finger on her.

But she hides everything that she is feeling, because she can't let him see how vulnerable she is.

So engrossed in her thoughts, Tara almost flinches in surprise when the chair opposite her drags across the floor and then Jax is suddenly sitting there in front of her, staring at her intensely and that fucking emotionless mask is once again in place. The small part of her that still hates him rises and she clenches her fists to quell the urge to wipe that look off his face.

Tara sits in stubborn silence, waiting for his move. He doesn't say anything for a while, he just sits there staring her in the eye until he finally reaches into his pocket and pulls out a brown paper bag and tosses it in front of her.

She reaches for it, already knowing what is inside and she feels her cheeks flame in anger. "Are you serious?" Tara demands, pulling out the pregnancy test and dropping it in disgust.

"As a heart attack."

Tears cloud her vision for a moment and she shoves away from the table. "How dare you! For you to even accuse me-"

"Tara," he interrupts, his voice strained. "Can you blame me?"

She wants to rage at him. She wants to chuck the stupid test in his stupid face, but then she sees the look in his eyes and she knows that he's almost at his breaking point. Breathing out slowly, Tara lets go of her anger and tries to push away her shame. "No, I guess I can't blame you," she mumbles. She grabs the test and makes her way to the bathroom, but when she hears the chair scraping back she turns and almost collides with Jax. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks coolly, all the while thinking that this is the closest she has been to him in weeks.

He looks confused. "To the bathroom," he says, like it's a perfect explanation. "To watch you take the test," as if he needed to explain things further.

"You are not watching me Jax." Tara takes a step back into the bathroom and tries to close the door, but a stubborn hand prevents her.

"Why not?" Jax asks, and if she didn't know any better, she could have sworn that his mouth twitched into a smile before the mask was firmly back in place.

"You're not going to watch me pee Jax!" she says firmly, trying to push the door shut with all of her strength but it doesn't even budge an inch against his bulk.

"You're being ridiculous," he grounds out, but there's definitely a little smirk on his lips and Tara's heart flutters stupidly in her chest.

"No I'm not!"

"You've seen me piss lotsa times."

"That is completely different!"

"How is it?"

"It just is!"

"I've seen every inch of your body. I've tasted every inch of your skin Tara. It doesn't make a difference to see you take a piss in front of me babe."

They both freeze at the natural term of endearment that rolls off his tongue. They stare at one another for a long moment, and she can almost taste the tension between them on her tongue and she's about to open her mouth to say something, anything but then the moment is gone and he's backing away, the cold mask is back in place. "Jax," she whispers, but he is already gone. Tara squeezes her eyes shut and bites down on her lip to prevent the sob that is rising in her throat.

* * *

><p>She pees on the stick.<p>

She shows him the test.

He stares at it for five minutes in silence.

"Fuck," Jax hisses out between his teeth.

"My sentiments exactly," Tara manages to get out, but she can't help the stab of pain in her heart. Did he really think that she would lie about this now? He doesn't look at her, just continues to look at the test in silence.

"I'm keeping it. You don't have to be involved with the pregnancy. I've done it alone before, I can do it again." She tries not to notice the way he flinches at the reminder that he missed her first pregnancy because of time he was doing for the club. But it's true, no matter what both of them wished for. She went through peeing on a stick to cradling their newborn son without him. She doesn't want to do it again, but she will. "I'm fine on my own."

"Right," he mumbles, not even looking at her.

She tries to keep the tears at bay, because she had been hoping for more of a fight from him. "You should go, I'm tired." She's proud that her voice only cracks slightly at the end, but it's enough for him to look up at her.

The devastation must be clear on her face because his face softens and just for a moment he is her Jax again. The one who loved her and their little family above anything else and who put her before the club and guns and money. He's reaching for her and whispering her name and then the spell is broken and once again he is the monster who destroyed them.

She flinches away from him and whispers, "Please just go." She doesn't wipe away the tears that fall. She needs him to see just how damaged she really is because she can't take this anymore. She needs him. She needs distance. She just needs everything to stop hurting.

She doesn't look at him as he swears under his breath and stomps out the house, slamming the door shut behind him. She doesn't break down until the bike takes off down the street.

She doesn't need him. She's fine on her own.

(She needs him more than she needs air to breathe)


	4. 4

She's just about to get in her car when she hears the voice. "Heard that you've got a baby on the way. This one actually exists right?"

Tara tenses but doesn't rise to the bait. After another useless doctor appointment about her hand, she is in no mood to deal with Gemma's shit. She turns around and raises her eyebrow at her mother-in-law. "Gemma." She spares a glance and a nod at Rat and briefly wonders why she's at the hospital before deciding that she no longer gives a shit. Rat looks surprised by Gemma's impromptu announcement and she knows that the news of her pregnancy is going to be spread around the Clubhouse within hours.

Gemma, looking extremely proud of herself glances at Rat and says, "Give us a minute." He looks between them in concern but skulks off to the main entrance and pulls out a cigarette.

"Did he actually see the test this time, or is he taking your word for it?"

"Stay out of my business, Gemma."

"This _is _my business. This is _my_ family-"

"No it's my family! My sons. My husband. _Our_ baby. Stay the hell away from me." Tara turns to leave but Gemma's words stop her.

"I'm just surprised that Jax wants anything to do with you. Then again, he has been visiting a certain Madame quite regularly the past few weeks." Tara flinches and the image of the pretty blonde's face comes to mind, but then Gemma's smiling smugly now that she has found Tara's weak spot. "He doesn't want you anymore, sweetheart. Especially after your last fake pregnancy, framing me, trying to divorce him, but worst of all trying to take his kids away from him. I'm just glad that my son is coming to his senses, getting away from you. From what I'm hearing about Colette, my son has already found your new replacement. I'm sure Abel will be calling her Mommy by the end of the year-"

Tara snaps and before she can stop herself, her fist is clocking Gemma in the nose. The sickening crunch is like music to her ears. "How dare you? Abel is mine. _I_ am his mother. Not Wendy, not the latest whore Jax sticks his dick into. And most certainly not you. What's going on between me and Jax is between us. Stop talking about shit you have no idea about. Stay away from me. Better yet stay away from my children."

Gemma stands to her full height and though there's a steady flow of blood pouring from her nose she still looks formidable. "Or what? You gonna kill me, doc?"

In the corner of her eye she catches a glimpse of Rat coming towards them. Tara steps closer to Gemma and whispers, "No, I'm not that far gone yet. But, I do have a copy of some letters that I think Jackson would be very interested in reading, especially the ones about his mother."

Gemma reels in shock and it gives Tara a sick satisfaction to finally see the Queen shocked. "You gave them to me-"

"But not before I made copies. Did you really think that I wouldn't have a plan B to get my boys away from you?"

"You fucking-"

"I was trying to get my boys away from you, not Jackson. You've already got Jax under your thumb, my boys are not going to end up there too you toxic bitch." Tara steps back. "Oh, and before you think about trying to kill me to keep me quiet, I have many copies stashed away just waiting to be sent to Jax in the event of my death. This is my final warning, Grandma. You will see _my boys_ when I decide it's okay." Tara touches her still flat stomach. "And this baby will never know her psychotic grandmother," she hisses. "Stay away from my sons."

Sparing a glance at Rat's confused face, Tara smiles sweetly at Gemma. "It was so nice to see you." She gets in her car and drives away without sparing Gemma a glance.

* * *

><p>In retrospect she should be surprised when he shows up at their home, his eyes ablaze with a fury that makes her stomach numb. "You hit my mom?"<p>

Tara swallows painfully but straightens her spine. She closes the door behind her so that they don't wake the boys.

Turning her attention back to Jax, she says calmly, "Gemma came to St Thomas. Gemma started an argument that I tried to walk away from. Yes I hit her. I don't owe you an explanation."

"The hell you don't," he seethes.

Tara folds her arms. "Oh? Does that mean I can demand explanations from you then? Tell me, how is Colette these days?" Tara raises an incredulous eyebrow and ignores the way her throat burns when she says the woman's name. "Your mother couldn't wait to reveal how much time the two of you are spending together."

Jax's eyebrows draw together sharply. "I have-"

"Save it. I really don't want to know."

Jax clenches his jaw. The muscles of his throat move as he swallows. He glares at her, eyes narrowed furiously. "The last time you had a fight with my mother, it ended in a fake miscarriage. I'm sure you can understand why I'm concerned."

Tara's breath catches in her throat. Shame claws at her throat, but she still can't bring herself to apologize.

"What do you want Jax?" Tara asks tiredly. "I've had plenty of fights with your mother and you've never intervened before-"

"Do you want a divorce?"

All of her breath leaves her. "What?" she says meaning to sound cold and detached. Unfortunately she can't control the way her voice shakes.

"Do you want to divorce me?"

Tara remains speechless.

Jax laughs sardonically. "Thats what you wanted wasn't it? You wanted to take the boys and leave Charming. Leave me."

Her eyes fill with tears. "Jax," she whispers.

"So what's stopping you? Is it the baby? 'Cause you've made it clear that you don't want me involved-"

"That is not true!" Tara interrupts furiously. Her voice raises in agitation as she steps closer to him. She's pretty sure that she can see a curtain twitching in the house across the street and wonders when the hell her neighbors decided to get nosy. "Do you really think that I'd keep the baby away from you?"

"Why not? You've tried to take the boys from me."

Tara clenches her jaw. "I was trying to protect them! You might want to stay here but they don't have to. We've been through this. I don't want to have the same argument again Jackson. It's been two months and I'm still here. You even had me followed. What else do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere?"

"What? Now that you're pregnant you don't want to run anymore? If you want to run so much then get rid of it-"

She slaps him.

The sting of her hand has nothing to do with the tears that fall from her eyes. "How can you even say that?" she whispers.

He doesn't reply. His face is unreadable but she see's the slight regret in his eyes.

"I'm done," she says simply. Tara turns back to the house.

"Do you know why I slept with Colette?"

She pauses by the door. "Fuck you Jax."

"The first time, I was lonely. You were inside. You refused to see me. And then there was this woman who wanted me, she wanted to take care of me-"

She had suspected that Jax had been with the pretty blonde, but to have it confirmed tore her apart all over again. Tara whirls around in a fit of rage. "Are you seriously saying that it's my fault you slept with another woman?"

"She was there Tara. That was it."

"And the second? Did you trip and your dick just happened to fall inside her?"

Jax looks her dead in the eye and says, "I wanted to hurt you."

"Well congratulations baby. You hurt me." Tara brushes away her tears. "You've always loved the fact that since we were fourteen, women have been lining up to fuck you. When I came back, I dealt with it because I never actually thought that you would pay attention to the porn stars and prostitutes, not when you claimed that I was the only one you wanted." Tara smiled bitterly. "More fool me right?"

She goes into the house and pretends that she doesn't hear him calling her name.

* * *

><p>Oliver is sitting outside of her house when she's loading the boys into her car. After weeks of him following her around, she's become accustomed to his presence. She waves happily to him as she straps Thomas into his car seat. She drops Abel off at school and drives over to St Thomas. Thomas smiles happily at her when she picks him up, happy to be out of his car seat. Noticing the shadow looming over them, Tara turns to Oliver and raises an eyebrow in question.<p>

"Is everything okay, Dr Knowles?" he asks hesitantly. Even though he's been following her for weeks, he's still nervous around her. "You don't normally work Tuesdays."

Tara smiles reassuringly at him. "Everything's fine. I've got my scan today, that's all."

"Oh, well.. Congratulations, I guess." Oliver scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. "Does Jax know?"

Tara's blood runs cold at the mention of her husband. Their fight from last night is at the forefront of her mind, but she pushes it away determinedly. Nobody was going to ruin this moment for her. Not even Jackson Teller.

"No, he doesn't," she replies coldly.

Tara turns on her heel and just as she's going through the main entrance, she turns and see Oliver flipping his phone open and dialing a number.

She drops Thomas off at daycare, checks in with the receptionist and counts down the seconds.

And sure enough, not ten minutes later Jax is bursting through the waiting room and asking the receptionist if his wife's here. She want's the ground to swallow her up when his worried eyes land on her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he hisses under his breath when he takes a seat next to her.

"Because we're fighting. In fact I don't even want to talk to you right now."

"Tough," he whispers. "I had to find out from the damned prospect that my wife has gone for our baby's scan. I've told you, I want to be involved with this shit." Jax shifts awkwardly on the uncomfortable faux leather seats, his eyes darting around the waiting room filled with pregnant women and uncomfortable men as if he's expecting a Mayan to jump out and whip his gun out.

Tara bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from smiling at his discomfort. "The prospect's called Oliver. It wouldn't kill you to learn his name."

"And it wouldn't kill you to pick up the damn phone and tell me about doctors appointments," he snaps back.

Tara pushes back her guilt. "I didn't think that you'd be interested."

"Yeah, well I am-"

"Dr Knowles?" a young nurse calls out nervously. She glances at Jax longer than necessary and blushes when Tara raises an eyebrow at her. "D-Dr Cooper will see you now." The nurse scrapers away, and she doesn't have to turn around to see Jax's smirk.

"Can you turn the charm off just long enough to see our baby? I'm sure the nurse will let you into her panties later," Tara mutters bitterly before pushing past him and stalking down the hall.

* * *

><p>The cold gel against her stomach makes her tense for a moment. She does her best to ignore Jax hovering by her head and instead tries to focus on Dr Cooper. Dr Cooper is a kind but stern woman in her late fifties who delivered Thomas. There was never a doubt in her mind that she wanted Dr Cooper to be her doctor during her second pregnancy.<p>

"Are you okay?" Jax asks anxiously when he notices her tense.

Part of her wants to tell him to fuck off and leave them be but Dr Cooper answers for her.

"She's fine, Mr Teller. The gel's a little cold is all." The wand moves over her bare stomach. Tara's eyes never leave the screen the moment she spots the little blob on the screen. She can hear Dr Cooper explaining everything to Jax, but all of her attention is fixed on the black, white and grey image in front of her. Her heart quickens in her chest when she realizes that this is real.

They're going to have another baby.

Tara blinks sharply and pretends that her eyes aren't suspiciously damp when Jax leans closer to the machine exclaiming, "I can't see it, Doc."

"Here, see?" Tara says softly. She pulls the ultrasound machine closer to them and points on the screen.

"Oh," Jax says. "_Oh._"

She smiles at the wonder in his voice. He never got this with Thomas. The one ultrasound that he could attend was filled with nervous dread in case she had miscarried when she was tied to a post in Salazar's aunt's house. The smile on his face is gentle. Her fingers twitch with the urge to reach for him.

"It kind of looks like a bean."

"_Jax!_"

Dr Cooper laughs as she removes the wand and hands Tara some tissue to remove the gel. "I assure you, Mr Teller, it's a baby."

* * *

><p>After picking Thomas up from daycare, she is careful not to look at Jax as he walks her back to the car. The smile on her face is hard to wipe away despite her best efforts. There's a small spark of excitement bubbling in her stomach at the idea of having another baby. For the first time in months, there's something in her life to look forward. Despite the fact that her life is so fucked up right now, this baby is a good thing. The ultrasound picture is tucked safely away in her purse next to a picture of Abel and Thomas, and she can't help but imagine a little girl with blonde curls and blue eyes.<p>

"I didn't mean it," Jax says, breaking her away from her thoughts as soon as they are alone in the parking lot. Tara raises an eyebrow at him. He shifts Thomas in his arms to prevent him from tugging on his beard and looks at her sheepishly. With a rush of shock, she realizes that he's nervous. She has known him all of her life, has loved him for half of it, and she can count the number of times that he's been nervous around her on one hand.

Thomas giggles happily as he tries again to grab Jax's beard. Jax shifts him again and grimaces when Thomas finally manages wrap his tiny fist around his beard. Tara hides a smile. "I didn't mean it, what I said about getting rid of the baby." He almost looks ashamed of himself. "The shit that went on with my mom, I was angry. I know that you wouldn't-"

"No, I wouldn't." She looks at Thomas and feels shame creeping in. She wouldn't do that now, but she was going to before. "I thought about it, with Thomas," she whispers. Jax's eyes darken but he remains quiet. "I was alone and scared. Abel was gone, and I blamed myself. I wasn't ready for a baby, _we_ weren't ready for a baby. And I was pretty sure you hated me then."

Tara runs a hand through Thomas's soft hair and smiles at him when his blue eyes fix on her. "I look at him now and thank the universe that Salazar took me that day." Jax sucks in a sharp breath. Tara looks at him again and smiles bitterly. "It's sick isn't it? That he was the one who made me realize that I wanted to keep him. He was about to kick me in the stomach and I knew then that despite everything, I wanted a family with you and Abel. I can't imagine my life without any of you.

"Maybe it would be easier. I mean, we can barely have a conversation that doesn't end in tears so how are we meant to raise another baby? Maybe it's better if I did terminate the pregnancy. But I won't." Tara takes a deep breath. "I'm done running Jax. I'm not going to take the boys from you, and I'm not going to take this baby from you."

Some of the tension leaves him, and though she still wants out of Charming, she feels as though a weight has been lifted from her shoulders now that she's told him the truth. Jax takes a step closer to her and it takes everything in her not to reach for him. "But where does this leave us, Tara?"

"I don't know," she whispers.

"Do you want to divorce me?" he asks calmly, but his mouth is set in a grim line and she can see the storm brewing behind his eyes.

"I have never wanted to divorce you. It was my only way out-"

"But now?" he interrupts.

Tara is silent for a while, carefully considering her answer. The longer they stand in silence, the tenser Jax becomes.

"No. But I don't see any other way that this can end Jax," she whispers sadly. Tara blinks away her tears, not wanting to cry in front of Thomas.

Jax swallows and she can see him trying to control his anger. "If you think that I'm going to let you divorce me, you have another thing coming babe."

"Jackson-"

He shifts Thomas in his arms again. He's looking at her with a passion in his eyes that has been missing for months now. He takes another step closer with much more confidence this time. "No! Do you honestly think that this is the end of us? We've overcome so much shit Tara, this is just another bump in the road."

"Do you think I want this to be the end?" Tara asks incredulously. "We've hurt each other in the worst possible ways, and I can't ever forget that. How can we come back from that? I love you, so much. But we don't trust each other-"

"I trust you."

Tara rolls her eyes impatiently. "No you don't."

"I trust you," he says with so much confidence that she can almost believe him. "You were protecting the boys. I don't agree with what you did, but I still trust you."

Tara looks at him in disbelief, but the fight suddenly goes out of her. "Maybe you do trust me. But I don't trust you," she says sadly. A tears falls and she wipes it away impatiently. "I'm tired of fucking crying all the time! Please, Jax. I can't talk about this anymore," she says, her voice cracking.

He looks ready to fight her again until Thomas whimpers. They both look at their little boy, and Tara's heart breaks. His little face stares at them back and forth, his face twisted in confusion. Tara tries to smile reassuringly at him. Jax sighs and presses a gentle kiss to his soft hair. Jax passes Thomas to her, and before she can step away from him, he presses a tender kiss to her forehead. "We are not over Tara," he says with confidence. "And if you don't want to fight for us, that's fine. But I will always fight for you."


	5. 5

He lives for the moments that he sees his boys and his girl.

There's an emptiness in his life that surprises him without Tara and the kids. Everyday he spends without them, it's a painful reminder of the ten years he spent without Tara. But this time he can't drown himself in weed, jack and pussy to dull the pain. He may not be the smartest man, but he's beginning to learn from his mistakes.

But this is a mistake that he doesn't know how to fix.

He stares around at his brothers and thinks what am I still doing here? He has saved his club, has saved his brothers. But in order to do so he has lost his family. He's reluctant to admit its because hes scared of the unknown. Tara and his boys would thrive away from Charming. But him? He's an okay mechanic with no other skills. All he knows is outlaw. Since he was five all he wanted was a Harley and a cut.

But now?

All he wants is his family back. He wants to come home to his wife who grows round with his unborn child everyday. He wants to put his sons to bed and be there when they wake up in the morning. He wants to feel his unborn child kick in his wife's belly. He wants to wrap her in his arms and kiss her without her flinching away from his touch.

He stares at his wife and wonders is this his fault? He hardly recognizes her anymore. He loves every part of her, from the sweet girl who still blushes when he winks at her, to the fierce lioness that she becomes when somebody gets in her face.

The memory of her arms wrapped around her stomach as she sat in a pool of blood is an unwelcome one. Thinking that his mother did this to her, to their baby, still guts him. Even now that he knows the truth, the knowledge that he believed his mother capable of doing that still burns through his brain, because he knows in the back of his brain that his mother might just do something like that one day.

He knows that Tara did it for the boys and maybe even a little bit for herself. She was protecting their family when she believed that he couldn't, and a twisted part of him loves her for it. To see his girl protecting their babies, it stirs something in his chest.

But what kills him is the knowledge that she didn't believe that he could protect his family. He's fucked up, between fucking Ima and Colette, to choosing the club over his family when it needed them the most. He has broken her trust more than once, but he still struggles with the fact that she couldn't trust him to protect their boys. And that is something he does not know how to forgive.

* * *

><p>"Daddy?" Abel says, never looking up from his coloring book.<p>

"Yeah buddy?" Jax says distractedly as he tries to feed Thomas, but the little man won't have any of it and stubbornly refuses to open his mouth no matter how much he pleads him to. He's almost to the point of calling Tara and begging for help but he doesn't want her to think that he's a terrible father for not being able to feed his own damn son.

"When are you coming back home?"

Jax inhales sharply. In truth he's known that the question was bound to pop up sometime, but he still hasn't got an answer for the little boy despite how much he's tried to come up with one over the last three months. His mind come up blank as he struggles for an answer and tries to imagine what Tara would tell him.

"Not yet buddy," he says vaguely, not wanting to tell the kid that there's more chance that he'll sprout some wings than Tara letting him back into the house.

Abel puts down his crayons and looks up at him with eyes that match his own. "When?"

Jax sighs. "I don't know, Abel."

"Are you and mommy fighting?"

Jax wonders when the kid got so inquisitive. Giving up on feeding Thomas, he turns to Abel and looks at him with serious eyes. "No, we're not fighting buddy," he says carefully. "Daddy did a silly thing, and it hurt mommy. It's better if I don't live with you guys right now-"

"Did you say sorry?"

"Well yeah, but it's not that simple-"

"Did you mean it? 'Cause mommy says saying sorry isn't good enough if you don't mean it."

Jax bites his tongue. "Of course I meant it. But I don't think saying sorry is enough buddy."

Abel blinks up at him. "Then you should show her, daddy." Abel picks up his crayon and carries on colouring.

Jax can only stare at him in astonishment. He knows he's hit rock bottom when he's getting marriage advice from a five year old.

* * *

><p>He pulls into St Thomas and catches her just as she's leaving. She's chatting away to a man in his late forties, all salt and pepper hair and a classic smile. The smile on her face is blinding, and to see it directed at another man makes his blood boil. Then her eyes land on his car and her smile dims a bit. She pats the mysterious man's arm and starts walking to the car.<p>

He's out the car and storming over to her before he can stop himself. "Who was that?" he asks, barely containing the jealous rage inside of him.

"Just a colleague," Tara says vaguely.

"Well, you both looked pretty cozy before I got here."

Tara looks at him incredulously. "Are you being serious right now?"

"If you're going to be bringing strange men around my kids I want to know more about them-"

"Jesus Christ Jax! Will you keep your voice down!"

He ignores her. "If you want to start seeing men when you're carrying my baby then you have another thing coming-"

"I would never do that!" she snaps at him. "We're still married Jax. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but it does to me."

He stares at her in silence and his anger starts to fade when he realizes how ridiculous he's being.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, looking down at the floor.

"Yes, well, you should be."

"It's just that the thought of you with another man, it kills me." And it's true. Even when they were teenagers and she would flirt with some random guy at a party just to piss him off when they were on one of their numerous breaks, he would see red and nothing in the world would be right again until he had her in his arms again. Even now, the thought of another man wrapping his arms around her, kissing her, fucking her, it makes him want to go on a murder spree that Happy would be proud of.

"Well, maybe now you have an idea of how I feel," she says, unable to look him in the eye.

He flinches, but doesn't try to defend himself. They stand in an awkward silence, both unable to meet the other's eye.

"He's a surgeon, and there's a good chance that he can fix my hand. That was all."

Jax looks at her then, and he sees a spark in her eye that has been missing for a long time. He shoves away the guilt and smiles at her. "That's great Tara, really."

The small smile she rewards him with makes his heart beat faster. "Yeah. Of course I wouldn't do it until way after the baby's born, but just knowing that there's some hope that I can operate again-"

He hugs her. He just can't fucking help himself and he knows that it's probably a bad idea but he's so happy for her.

She stands still. He realizes what a fucking idiot he's being. This is the first time they've touched since they slept together and quite frankly he's surprised that she hasn't smacked him one yet. But then she's hugging him back and when he feels her body pressed up against his it takes all of the self control he possesses not to press his lips to hers. He's starting to think that this definitely is a bad idea when he feels his dick stir but decides that since she hasn't decked him yet he wise well see how far he can push his luck. He pulls her tighter against his body and his only thought is, _fuck me._

Her breasts are pressed up against his chest and her normally toned stomach is ever so slightly pressing into his belly and he realizes with a surprise that she's beginning to show. His heart breaks a little because he knows that there's a very big chance that he's going to miss this _again._ When he'd been locked up, every week she visited he would greedily look over her body and study the changes every week. He never got to feel his unborn child kick, he didn't get to see Tara's body changing everyday, he missed all of the doctors appointments, and he didn't get to see any of his children born.

And with the ways things are right now, he's pretty certain that it isn't going to happen with this baby either.

Jax pushes away his bitterness. He made a promise to her when Thomas was born that he would never miss anything like this again, and it's a promise that he's determined to keep even if she doesn't want him around.

"I'm so happy for you Tara," he whispers into her ear. And he really is. He knows that if it wasn't for him, Clay Morrow would never have put a hit out on his girl and she would still be saving babies lives.

"Thank you," she whispers back.

He pulls away from her and smiles softly. "I should go. The boys have been fed and-"

"Actually there's something I wanted to talk to you about." Tara tucks her hair behind her ear nervously, and despite himself his curiosity is peaked.

"What is it?"

"Well, I've been thinking. With us having another baby, I think I need to find a new house that's big enough for all of the kids. I mean, I know it's years away, but I doubt that Thomas and Abel are going to want to share a room when they're older. And with the baby, we're going to need at least another room-"

"Okay."

Tara looks at him in confusion. "Okay? That's it?"

"Well, yeah. Of course we're going to need a new house once the baby comes. The kid need's it's own room. It's not like it can sleep in the bathroom right?"

Tara smiles widely. "Right. I'll start looking into some houses. Three bedrooms or four?"

"Four," he replies without hesitation.

"Won't that be a little pricey? I'm not earning at much now, with me only counseling-"

"Money isn't an issue Tara." He takes a step closer to her. "If you want a mansion, then I will get you one."

Tara looks at him intensely, and not for the first time Jax wishes that he could tell what she was thinking. "I've never wanted your money, Jackson."

"I know," he says simply. "But my family deserves the best."

She stares at him with unreadable eyes and he's beginning to wonder maybe he shouldn't have said that, but Abel's insistent knocking on the car window saves them both from what was becoming an awkward silence.

They both turn to see the little boy grinning brightly and once he see's that he's got his mom's attention, Abel waves happily and shout's, "Hi mommy!"

Tara waves at him and turns back to Jax. "I should get them home," she says, staring up at him with big green eyes.

Disappointment fills his stomach. "Yeah, they should be pretty tired by now-"

"Do you want to put them to bed? I'm sure that they would love it if you were there to tuck them in."

The grin that spreads across Jax's face is answer enough.

* * *

><p>He arrives back at TM with a lighter heart and the first stirring of hope in his chest. He nods at Unser as the old man makes his way to his trailer. Hell, he even smiles at a prospect, that's how happy he is in that moment.<p>

His good mood is shattered the moment he see's Gemma storming out of the office and heading straight towards him. "How's the good doctor doing? She faked any miscarriages yet?"

Anger bubbles in his chest. "Leave Tara be, okay mom? She doesn't need your shit right now."

"I'm trying to protect you, baby. Maybe it's time to call it a day. It's been three months Jax. Maybe a divorce is the best thing for everyone-"

"Don't go there mom. I am not going to divorce her."

Gemma tugs on his arm until he stops. "She tried to take your boys away from you! She was going to leave Charming, leave you! Why can't you see that she's all wrong for you-"

"Back off mom."

"You can get custody of the boys," she continues. Jax snorts at the thought. There is not a judge in the country that would give him custody of the boys over Tara. "It will be just like what happened with Wendy. We can take the boys-"

"Who do you think you're talking to?" Jax snaps. "What goes on in my marriage is between me and Tara. Thomas and Abel need a stable home. They need their mom and dad to live together. And this new baby needs parents who can have a conversation without fighting. I'm not staying with her because of the kids. I'm staying with her because I love her. This is your last warning, mom. Stay out of my business.

"You're my mother. You should want me to be happy and Tara makes me happy." Jax sighs unhappily. "I love you mom. But if you try to make me choose between you and my wife, I will choose Tara without a second thought." His mother's tear filled eyes stare up at him, but he squashes down his guilt. He walks away from her without another glance.

* * *

><p>As the weeks pass, Tara starts to let her guard down. People begin to see her as Doctor Knowles again, not the old lady who was an accessory to murder. The need to keep a gun in her bag starts to fade. When she goes to buy groceries, she is no longer looking over her shoulder for the latest threat. No, over those weeks, Charming becomes a safe place again.<p>

There's a small nagging voice in the back of her head wondering if Jax was right that can't be ignored. Maybe if she had trusted him from the beginning, then she would have seen that he made good on his promise to get out of guns, to change the club, to make Charming a safe place for their family.

Then she remembers the fake baby, the divorce, Gemma, Wendy, Colette, and she realizes that it doesn't matter if Charming is safe. Their family has already been torn apart.

It's only late at night she admits to herself that she played a big part in destroying them.

She misses him.

She lies awake half the night alone in their bed cursing him for not being there with her, to hold her, to stroke her, to fuck her. Her breasts ache and her cunt is constantly damp when she thinks of him. Of his hands touching her naked skin, his mouth against her neck, his beard grazing the sensitive skin of her thighs, his cock stretching her needy cunt. She rubs herself raw thinking of nothing but his skilled fingers and his talented tongue. She wants him. She _needs_ him.

But it's not just the sex. She misses the man who she has spent half of her life loving. The man who would put her before everything, the man who protected her no matter the cost, the man who simply held her in his arms at night when he was just her husband, not the leader of an MC.

She hates him.

(She loves him.)

* * *

><p><strong>I'm curious.. I already have the ending planned out so please know that this little question will not effect the story line in anyway. But do you guys actually want Jax and Tara to leave Charming and the club? Tara's issue with Charming has always been the violence, but now that things are beginning to relax a bit, where do you guys want them to end up?<strong>


	6. 6

She's just parking the car when she sees Abel talking to a woman she assumes is his teacher. She doesn't pay it much thought, her mind already occupied with the house that she'd already seen. A beautiful four bedroom house with two bathrooms that was a little pricey, and despite Jax's reassurances that money isn't an issue, she just can't bring herself to use his money. At seventeen weeks pregnant, she's pretty exhausted at this time in the day and looking after two kids under the age of five didn't help matters. The dark circles under her eyes seem to be a permanent addition to her face and her new best friend is concealer.

It's not until Abel's shouting, "Mommy!" that she notices the teacher freeze and turns to look at her with wide eyes. Abel runs to her and wraps his arms around her legs. She runs a hand through his soft hair as she narrows her eyes at the woman across from her. Her hands tremble from the urge to clock the pathetic junkie in the jaw, but even she won't start something with Jax's ex-wife in a school playground, especially in front of Abel.

"Come on, little man. We've got to go get Thomas." She doesn't acknowledge Wendy. She grabs Abel's hand and leads him to the car. As soon as she shuts Abel's door, she turns back to Wendy and hisses, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Wendy flinches. Just looking at Wendy makes her suddenly feel grateful that she still takes the time to make herself look good despite her hectic schedule. Tara notices her unwashed hair and dirty jeans and she knows instantly that she's using again. How did she ever think that this weak woman could ever help her children? She notices her pupils next and swears softly. "Are you high right now?"

"I just want to see him-"

"How do you even know where his school is?"

Wendy pales and Tara knows before she even opens her mouth. "Gemma told me. But she doesn't know that I've been coming here-"

"Excuse me?" she interrupts. "You've been here before?" Really, she shouldn't be surprised. Things with Gemma have been surprisingly quiet, and now she realizes that using Wendy has been her plan all along. She knows Gemma, just as Gemma knows her. She knows exactly where to strike to hurt her, and really, she should have seen this coming a mile away. Wendy has always been a sore point for her, one that Gemma knows exactly how to exploit.

Tara takes a step closer to her and clenches her fists in anger. She tries to keep calm, tries to remind herself that this amount of stress is not good for the baby but every second she stands across from this junkie bitch makes her blood boil. She's pretty sure that curious parents are staring at them but she's beyond caring. The only person on her mind is the little boy in the car and he's the only reason she isn't tearing out this bitch's hair.

"I just wanted to look at him. Today was the first time I talked to him, I swear."

"You had the chance to help him, to be a part of his life. _You_ fucked it up. You had the chance to do one good thing for him and you bailed. You chose Gemma and crank over Abel's safety. I will make it my life long mission to make sure you never see him again. You have nobody to blame for this but yourself."

There are tears in Wendy's eyes, but she refuses to feel pity for the woman. "Tara please! I'm sorry! I just want to know my son-"

"He is my son! I was the first person to hold him. I nursed him back to health after the damage _you_ inflicted. I got up in the night to feed him. I took him to his doctors appointments. I taught him how to walk. I taught him how to talk. I took him to his first day of school. He calls _me_ mommy. You will never know him, Wendy."

Wendy stares at her in astonishment, and for the first time she thinks Wendy finally realizes just what little chance she has here.

"I just want a chance-"

"I gave you a chance, and you blew it."

"Gemma said that I can have a part in his life-"

Tara laughs bitterly. "Do you honestly think Gemma gives a shit about you? She's using you to try and get to me. You're a means to an end sweetheart. The only things Gemma cares about are her boys and herself. Besides, Gemma has no say in my sons life. If you want to know Abel, you will have to go through me and Jax, and I can say for the both of us that you have absolutely no chance."

"I-I'll take you to court. I have rights-"

"You gave up your rights to Abel. He is _mine_. Do you think some bullshit custody threat is going to scare me? I'm a doctor. A fucking surgeon. Do you honestly think that a judge is going to let some junkie who almost killed her child before he even took his first breath, into his life? You want to waste your money on a custody case? Then bring it on darlin'. We both know that you will lose." Tara pauses for effect and leans in closer to Wendy.

"Come near my son again and I will slit your throat."

She doesn't wait for a response. She quickly gets in the car and tries to smile reassuringly at Abel who watches her with curious eyes. Her hands shake as she grasps the steering wheel with sweaty hands. Her heart beats erratically in her chest and there's a dull ache in her stomach. She quickly calls Neeta to tell her that she'll be another hour and then turns to Abel. "Do you want to go see daddy, little man?" Abel nods and smiles widely.

"Who was that lady, mommy?"

"Nobody important, sweetheart."

If only that was true.

* * *

><p>The newly restored Teller Morrow garage is quiet when she pulls into the lot. Abel is quiet as she takes his hand and leads him inside with hurried steps. What did that bitch say to him?<p>

Bobby is leaning against the bar when she enters, going through some papers that she tells herself that she has no interest in. There are a few prospects hanging around, but they turn away when she meets their stares. Bobby looks up at her in surprise when she nervously clears her throat. She hasn't been inside of the clubhouse since it blew up, and she's a little surprised by just how similar it is to the previous one.

"Hey sweetheart. What brings you by?" he asks, his gruff voice surprisingly gentle.

"I need to see him," she says without preamble. Bobby raises an eyebrow in surprise. If she wasn't so shaken by seeing Wendy again, then she would have been surprised too. Not once in the last five months has she admitted that she needs Jax. But this was bigger than the shit between them. This is about their little boy, and no matter what is going on between them, she knows that Jax will never let that woman back into Abel's life.

"He should be back in an hour or so. Do you wanna wait?"

"Bobby," Tara says, and his eyes widen at the desperation in her voice. "I need to see him now."

He looks her over, pauses on her stomach which most people seem to do these days, and then he nods. "I'll give him a call. Hey Abel. I think that the prospects would really like to play a game with you. Why don't you take them outside and I'm sure that they'll play any game that you want." Bobby flashes an evil grin at the three prospects as Abel's eyes light up in excitement. If she had it in her, she would laugh at the looks on their faces at being at the beck and call of a child. She musters up a small smile for Abel's sake as he rushes out the door and the prospects follow reluctantly.

"Why don't you go lie down sweetheart. You're looking exhausted. I'm guessing that it's tiring growing a person inside of you." She manages a real smile then as her hand flutters to her stomach.

"I'm fine, thank you-"

"You're making me real nervous sweetheart. If something happens to you or the sprog, Jax is gonna flip his shit. So please, for my sake, just go and lie down for a few. Jax's dorm is second on the left."

Tara sighs in defeat as she makes her way to Jax's dorm. The room is familiar, but different. The room is bigger than his previous one, but every item of furniture is a replica of the original room. She looks at the pictures pinned to the wall and blinks away the tears that spring into her eyes. "Fucking hormones," she mutters. There are ones of him and Opie, Abel, Thomas, and with a jolt of surprise she finds a few of her too. Her eyes linger on the ultrasound picture of their last appointment, and she feels a flutter of joy in her belly.

She lies back in his bed and vows not to fall asleep, but the bed is so soft and his sheets smell of him, all leather, jack and tobacco, and she just can't help herself.

She awakens to fingers running through her hair softly and a voice calling her name. She smiles slightly at the peaceful feeling, but then her eyes snap open. Jax pulls his hand away like he's been electrocuted.

"Sorry," he mutters. "I didn't want to wake you, but Bobby said-"

"Wendy was at Abel's school," she interrupts.

Jax stares at her incredulously. "What?"

"Your mom told her where Abel's school is. She was just talking to him, Jax, as if it's an everyday thing! But what if she'd tried to take him? What if she told him the truth? What if she tries again? She's using again, I'm sure of it-"

"Hey," he says softly with a hint of steel in his voice. "Calm down."

"How am I supposed to calm down?" she demands incredulously, her voice raising.

"I'm not going to let anything like that happen."

"You can't promise that," she said tearfully.

"Yes I can," he says confidently. "Wendy won't be a problem. I'll handle it."

"This isn't meant to happen. Do you realize how much money we pay that school? And they apparently let strangers off the street in to talk to kids!

"Maybe we should tell him the truth," Tara says hesitantly. She blinks away tears and clears her throat. No matter how much it hurts, she has to do what is best for this little boy. "I know that he's only five and he probably won't understand, but it's just a matter of time before he finds out from somebody else. Wendy isn't going to go away. I love him so much, but maybe it's best to tell him-

"We aren't telling Abel anything. Wendy is not going to have a chance to be in Abel's life. Maybe when he's older, we can tell him about her. But right now? He's five years old, he doesn't need to be dealing with a junkie."

She knows it's not as simple as that. Despite being a good father, Jax is never going to understand the bond between a mother and an unborn baby as it grows inside of her. "Wendy isn't going to just give up. She might be on crank again, but she can get clean again. Despite her being useless, she loves him, Jax. If it was me, I would fight to the death to see my son. Wendy wants to be his mother-"

"You are Abel's mother," Jax interrupts gently, his voice sure.

"But-"

"There are no buts. Abel is our son. End of story."

"Promise?"

"No matter what happens between us, you will always be Abel's mother."

Tara lets out a shaky breath and feels a rush of relief. There's always been a lingering doubt in the back of her mind that if things went south with Jax, then she would not be allowed access to Abel. And despite not being his biological mother, he was every bit her son as Thomas was. Abel was a part of her, and for Jax to say so meant more than he would ever know.

He looks at her then, really looks at her. Since their hug a few weeks ago, it's the first time in weeks that they have been this close, and his gaze lingers on her like a lion eyeing his prey. She feels a little self conscious under his gaze, but she doesn't turn away from him as he studies the differences in her body. Her hair's a few inches past her shoulders now, her face a little rounder. His eyes flare up as he lingers at her breasts, and though Jax has always been an ass man, she knows that he appreciates the new view. And then his eyes finally land on her protruding stomach and the breath leaves her when she sees the softness in his eyes. Now that she's in her second trimester, she's beginning to show and despite her best efforts, it's becoming more difficult to hide her ever growing stomach.

But by the look in her husband's eye, Tara's pretty sure that he thinks it's a good thing.

Being this close to him makes her head spin. She greedily takes in his scent of tobacco and leather. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and holds a hand to her cheek, dragging his hand across it. "You look tired."

"I am tired."

"You need to sleep."

She feels a spark of irritation. "I do sleep," she says sharply.

"Then you need to sleep more."

She reminds herself that he's just looking out for her so she bites her tongue on telling him to fuck off. "I know. It's just hard-" without you there to hold me, is what she wants to say. "With the boys. Abel sleeps through the night, but Thomas can scream like a little banshee sometimes-"

"Then I'll take them."

Tara rolls her eyes. "No offence, but the boys really don't need to see the jizz fest that the clubhouse becomes at night."

A smile tugs up the corners of his mouth. "I didn't mean here. I can stay at my moms. I'm sure she won't mind-"

"No."

"Tara-"

"I just told you that she told Wendy about Abel's school and now you want to reward her for it!"

"Did you ever think that if you stopped trying to keep the boys away from her so much then she would leave the shit with Wendy alone?" Tara bites her lip. "Look, I know you don't want her around the boys so much, and that's okay. Maybe some distance is best. But freezing her out completely is just going to result in more of her crazy schemes. It's just one night, and I will be there the whole time. You need to sleep, Tara. Let me help."

Tara sighs in defeat, and even though she won't admit it, she knows that he's right.

"Okay." She pauses as Jax smiles in victory. "You have absolutely no idea what you're in for," she says with a small smile.

Jax's smile widens. "Why's that?"

"Abel's going to be so excited to be spending the night with you, it'll take hours to get him down for bed. And if Thomas gets riled up with him, then you're in for a late night Teller."

"I'm sure I can handle it."

"Good luck with that." Tara's grin widens. "I miss this," she says unexpectedly.

"What do you mean?"

"You know. This. I miss us." She pauses and forces herself to hold his gaze. There are alarm bells going off in her head, and despite how civil they are being she still can't trust him not to hurt her. But she just can't help herself, because he's Jax, the boy who she fell in love with all of those years ago. "I miss you."

Jax's smile fades. He stares at her with an intensity that makes something in her stomach flutter and for an absurd moment she thinks that he's going to kiss her. But she knows that he won't, she's going to have to be the one to take that step, but she just can't bring herself to do it.

Jax smiles sadly and stands. "I should go pick up Thomas."

Jax pauses by the door and turns around. "Tara?" He waits until she meets his gaze before he speaks. "I miss you too." He's out the door before she can respond.

It's in that moment she realizes that maybe they aren't as over as she'd originally thought.


	7. 7

She wakes at 2:17am with damp thighs and the feeling of dread in pit of her stomach. She turns the lamp on and her breath catches in her throat when she sees the blood on her sheets. Her heart sinks. Her hands move subconsciously over her stomach as she feels a light tugging sensation. She has never hated being a doctor until this moment, because every horrible possibility runs through her mind and not one of them has a happy ending.

With trembling hands she reaches for her phone and dials the one person who she needs more than anything.

"Yeah?" comes his gruff reply, his voice heavy with sleep.

"Jax," Tara says, her voice trembling.

"Tara? What's wrong?"

"I-I'm bleeding," she manages to get out after several tries. Tears spring to her eyes. _Fakes a miscarriage and now might be having one._ She tries to push the poisonous thoughts away but they don't budge and she can't help but think that maybe losing her husband and breaking up their family wasn't punishment enough, that now she has to lose their baby for real this time.

A sob escapes her throat and she hears Jax's voice in her ear saying, "Tara? I'm coming okay?" She doesn't reply. "Babe, listen to me. It's going to be okay." There's a tremor in his voice and it breaks her already broken heart just a little bit more. "I'll be there in a few okay?"

Tara clutches the phone tighter and she wants to beg him to hurry, to stay on the phone with her so she isn't alone but she can already hear him starting the Dyna. "Okay," she whispers into the phone. "Okay."

"It's gonna be okay, babe. I promise."

She wants nothing more than to believe him, but she knows differently.

Wiping her tears with shaking hands, Tara takes a deep breath and tries to calm herself down.

She cleans herself up whilst she waits for him. She realizes that she's not bleeding anymore and prays that it's a good sign. Thankful that the kids are staying with Gemma, she tries to keep her mind focused on each mundane task but the image of bloodstained sheets haunts her. She dresses in yoga pants and just as she's about to put on one of Jax's old shirts, she catches her reflection in the mirror and the fragile lock she has on her emotions breaks.

_Please don't take this child away from me._

The shirt falls to the floor unnoticed. Tears slip from her eyes as she rests her hands on the small bump that is now her stomach. _Just hold on, please hold on._ Since she had found out that she was pregnant, she has been careful not to think of the future. She has no idea what's in store for her, the boys, Jax, the club, Gemma or the baby girl she allowed herself to think about late at night. But from the moment she found out, she has wanted this baby despite how fucked up her life currently is.

She lets herself think of the little girl she has dreamed about having. Blonde hair and blue eyes, or maybe even thick brown curls like her own.

Is this how Jax felt when he thought that she'd lost their baby, she wonders. Haunted by everything that could have been. Helpless to do anything to save a fragile life.

She claims to love him, but how can somebody do that to somebody they love, despite the reasons behind it?

She has never been more ashamed of herself than this moment.

He finds her like that eventually, hands on her belly and eyes locked on the mirror. "Tara?"

"I'm sorry," she whispers through numb lips. "I am so sorry Jax."

Familiar hands cover hers as he presses his chest against her back. For the first time in months she allows herself to relax into his touch and greedily accepts the comfort he's offering her. Tara's eyes snap up to his and she's shaken to see his eyes staring back at her gently. He kisses the top of her head and says, "We gotta go babe." He lets her go to pick up her fallen shirt. Never taking his eyes off of her, he pulls the shirt over her head and helps her arms through the sleeves as though she's a child. Jax steps closer to her and wipes the tears from her cheeks. "It's going to be okay," he whispers and then he's holding her hand and leading her to her car. His hands tighten around her waist before he opens the door for her.

She doesn't deserve his reassurances.

Jax starts the car and pulls out of the driveway. His eyes flicker between her and the road. Tara clasps her hands together tightly.

"There was too much blood," she whispers.

Jax gives her a pained look. "It's going to be fine."

"You don't know that," she says, her voice cracking.

Jax reaches out to her and gently lays her hand on top of his. "No, I don't. But you're strong Tara. And with parents like us, this baby's strong too. Have a little faith babe."

Tara squeezes her eyes shut and swallows painfully. "Drive faster Jax."

She tunes out his reassurances eventually and she numbs herself to her surroundings. She barely registers Jax parking the car. She pays no mind to the nurse waiting at the entrance for her and Jax telling her what's happened.

_You deserve this,_ a poisonous voice whispers in her head. She doesn't argue. She looks down at her wedding ring and feels nothing but disgust for herself. How could she have done this to him? And as if it wasn't enough, she had to blame his mother too?

She finally comes back to herself when she's in an exam room and the nurse is saying something about helping her put on a gown.

"Get out," she says, snatching the gown from her. Normally, she would be disgusted with herself for talking to a nurse this way. But when she realizes that it's the same nurse who couldn't keep her eyes off of Jax when they had their first ultrasound, something in her snaps.

The nurse furrows her brow. "Dr Knowles, I'm here to help you-"

"You want to help me? Get the fuck out. If I need you to clean up some vomit I'll give you a call."

Jax sucks in a sharp breath. She hates to be the stereotypical doctor, but right now she really doesn't give a shit.

The nurse shoots her a look filled with loathing, but she leaves.

She pays Jax no mind as she strips off her pants. "That was a little harsh."

She ignores him and pulls his shirt over her head. She notices the way his eyes linger on her stomach as she pulls the gown around herself, but she doesn't have the heart to say anything.

The door opens just as she's setting herself on the bed and Dr Cooper walks in. She shoots them both a quick, professional smile. "I know that you're both terrified, so let's just get this over with and take a look." She goes through the motions of setting up the ultrasound machine. "Any cramping?"

"Very lightly."

"But you've stopped bleeding now?"

"Yes," she says through numb lips.

"And by now you're seventeen weeks along, correct?"

"Yes."

"Okay," she says, her eyes on the machine. The screen finally settles on an image as Dr Cooper moves the wand across her stomach. She is silent for a moment, and she can't bring herself to look at the screen. The moment she does, she knows that it's going to be over and everything will be lost. They just won't be losing a child, but she's pretty sure that this baby is the only thing that is keeping their marriage afloat. And she doesn't think she can handle that.

"Your baby is healthy, Dr Knowles." The words do not register for a moment, but when they do relief floods through her body and Jax lets out the breath that he's been holding since he picked up the phone. His hand squeezes hers tightly and he presses a relieved kiss to the side of her head.

Tara's eyes focus on the ultrasound machine and the image of her baby on the screen is the most precious thing in the world. "The heartbeat is a little fast and your blood pressure is too high. I'll advise Margaret that you won't be working for at least a month." Tara opens her mouth to protest but one look at Jax's worried but stern eyes has her snapping it closed. "You need more rest. I know how it is with you surgeons, all control freaks, but you need to let people help you." Dr Cooper's tone is gentle despite her words. "Stop taking so much on. After that we'll see how you're doing and if your blood pressure is down, we will reevaluate. You need to slow down, Dr Knowles," the elder woman says giving her a stern look before leaving them alone.

* * *

><p>They drive home in silence. Now that they know that the baby is safe, Tara doesn't know what to say to him. She will forever be grateful for tonight, the way he soothed her and calmed her, but she can't help but feel awkward around him after letting him see her so vulnerable. The memory of his hands on her swollen belly surfaces and she swallows painfully.<p>

She wants to reach out to him, ask him if he's okay, but she just can't bring herself to do it.

They arrive back home, and he's opening the door for her, careful not to touch her. "Can I get you anything?" he prods gently, as if she is a fragile piece of glass that can shatter at any moment. She shakes her head. "You should go lie down."

"I'm fine," Tara mumbles through numb lips.

"No you're not!" Jax shouts. It's the first time in weeks that he's raised his voice to her and she flinches in surprise. "You're not fine," he says softly. "You almost had a miscarriage, Tara. You have to slow down Tara."

"How?" she demands, feeling a small spark of anger. "How am I supposed to slow down? I have the boys, I have work, I have therapy for my hand, I have to find a bigger house, I have-"

"Then I'll help out more," he reasons, like its the solution for all of their problem.

"When? When do you have the time to drop Abel off at preschool? Maybe after you've been to CaraCara? Or maybe you can have a pornstar take him there for you, if you don't have the time-"

"Okay! Jesus. I get it. Gemma can help out-"

"Your mother is _not_ having more access to my boys."

Jax tenses at the dig about his mother. They stare at one another in silence. The tension crackles between them. Tara takes a deep breath and tries to remain calm. "I don't want to fight with you Jax, not tonight," she says gently. "But we both agreed that the boys need some distance from your mother."

"Okay," he finally says. "Then we'll figure it out. I can take the boys more. I'll look into some houses. Maybe even Neeta can help out more."

"Yeah," Tara agrees, though she's not exactly hopeful. "We'll figure it out."

"Okay then." He gives her a small smile. "I should go. Please get some rest."

He leaves her standing in the kitchen and he's just at the door when she realizes that she can't leave things like this. "Jax?" Tara calls, taking a few steps towards him.

He turns to her and asks worriedly, "What? What's wrong? Is it the baby?"

"No, no," she rushes to reassure him. "I just.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Jax, for what I did. Faking the pregnancy. I'm sorry that I put you through that." She hesitates, feeling ashamed all over again. "After tonight, I just.. There are no excuses for what I did. I thought that it was the right thing to do, but I never meant to make you feel like that. I was wrong. I'm just.. sorry," she trails off uncertainly.

She wraps her arms around herself and braces herself to say something that should have been said months ago. "I wanted out of the club and Charming. I wanted to get away from the violence. I never wanted out of our marriage."

Jax stands up straight, his eyes ablaze with an emotion she can't read.

"Say something," she whispers, stepping closer to him. Tears prickle behind her eyes.

"I don't know what's left to say Tara," he says hoarsely.

"There has to be something you want to say to me."

"Now isn't the time-"

"Now is a good as time as any."

Jax stares at her, as if trying to decide if she can handle this right now. Whatever he sees, it must give him some confidence in her. "I forgive you. You did what you had to for our boys. You were trying to protect them. Don't ever apologize for that." He steps closer to her until they are almost touching. Tara cranes her neck to look in his eyes. "It doesn't matter what you do. I am always going to love you Tara."

She looks at him. _Really_ looks at him. She can see the remorse in his eyes that she tries to acknowledge everytime he looks at her. When she looks at him now, the image of him and Colette is becoming a distant memory. The fact that he slept with another woman still hurts her, just like the fact that she tried to take his sons away still hurts him.

She will never forget what he did to her, but she can forgive.

And there is no point denying it anymore. She loves him with all of her heart. And though he's got a lot of making up to do, so has she.

She hugs him and the moment that he wraps his arms around her she feels safe. She feels a strength that has been absent for a long time straighten her spine. She kisses him, slow and lazy, exploring all of the depths and hollows of his mouth that had once been familiar. He groans at the back of his throat and Tara shivers. She presses her lips gently against his once more and buries her face against his neck.

"Stay," she whispers against his neck. "Please. I.. I don't want to be alone right now."

* * *

><p><strong>Don't worry, my fellow angst lovers. Things will not be smooth sailing for these two. They still have so much shit to work through.<strong>

**I hate authors notes but I have to say this.**

**7x12 was freaking amazing! Who saw that ending coming?! I'm still in shock!**

**Also, please don't leave spoilers in the reviews. If you want to chat about things that are going on in the show, then you can always send me a message. I love hearing from you guys, especially your thoughts on how the shows going to end. But it's not fair to the guys who haven't watched the show yet. **

**Thank you.**

**B.x**


	8. 8

**This is what happens when I'm slightly drunk and too buzzed to fall asleep. **

**Merry Christmas guys. Have a good one.**

* * *

><p>He wakes to her nestled against his side, her swollen belly pressing into him. His arm tightens around her and pulls her tighter against his body. Jax presses his face into her hair, relishing in the familiar smell of her conditioner. Half of him is still afraid that this is a dream that he's about to wake up from. He rolls onto his side and smiles down at Tara.<p>

"Hi," he whispers.

"Hi," she whispers back.

"You okay?"

She smiles slightly. "Yeah. I'm okay." She brushes a hand across her stomach in an unconscious gesture. "Are you okay?"

He hesitates, thinking of Tara clutching his hand tightly, her panicked voice on the phone telling him that she's bleeding, and the feel of her swollen belly beneath his hands.

But then he thinks of her apologizing, of the kiss that she pressed to his lips and the night that he has spent with her wrapped in his arms.

"I'm okay too."

Tara rolls over onto her back, and he can't help but stare when her shirt rides up. She must notice his staring because she says, "You can touch me Jax, I'm not going to run." Jax gingerly places a gentle hand on her bare stomach as if to make sure the baby is still there. He ignores it when Tara tenses under his touch, but she relaxes against him seconds later. He strokes the soft skin of her stomach gently with his thumb. He swallows tightly. He never got this with her when she was pregnant with Thomas. The few times they could touch each other, they were surrounded by prison guards. But right now, it's just them in their bed locked away from the world.

He shivers when Tara kisses his shoulder gently. "Is it weird?" she asks quietly.

"Is what weird?" he asks, still focused on the tight bulge underneath his hand.

"That after everything we've done, it still feels normal to be here with you."

Jax lets out a breath and turns on his side. He runs a hand down her side. "No. It feels weird is when we're apart."

Green eyes flash up to his. "Can we do this? Can we really make this work?"

Jax tightens his arm around her. "I think that these past few months have proved that we can get through anything."

He hears her sniffle. "But what if we can't? What if we can't get past everything that we've done to each other?"

Jax scoffs internally. He knows that they can get through anything, but if he needs to convince her, then he will spend the rest of his life doing so. He chooses his words carefully. "There have been so many times that I've tried to convince myself that we're not right for each other. The biker and the doctor." He smiles sadly. "I still don't know how this works Tara. We're from different worlds, we have different morals. But you're part of who I am, you always have been. I know that we've hurt each other, but that isn't going to stop me from loving you."

Tara's eyes fill with tears. "And I love you. But what if that's not enough?"

Jax's eyes harden. "It is enough."

Tara wipes her eyes and sits up. "I've been back in Charming for five years, and I still don't understand your life. I don't fit into your life Jax," she says, her voice breaking. She runs a nervous hand across her stomach and he immediately knows what she isn't saying. She doesn't know where their children fit into his life either.

Jax clenches his jaw. "Your place is right by my side, just like it's always been. Don't you think that this is something you should have thought about before you married me? Before you had a baby with me?"

Tara rolls her eyes at him. "Of course I thought about it! I haven't stopped thinking about it since the moment you went to prison."

Jax sits up. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. "Then why did you marry me?"

Tara looks at him like he's an idiot. "Because I love you, you fucking dolt! Jesus. It doesn't matter how many times I think that I'm done with you, I just can't let you go. I spent ten years trying to forget about you and it didn't work. It doesn't matter if I don't fit into your life. You have made me into the person I am today. You are a part of me too Jax. That's why I married you."

He reaches for her hand. "Then what's bothering you?"

She hesitates, and he knows what's coming before she opens her mouth. "I have tried to except your life with the club. I know that I wanted to get out of Charming, but so did you once." Jax hides his wince. He loves his club, and he loves his brothers. But he loves his wife and his kids more. He's certain that if Clay's lies hadn't damaged the club, then they would have gotten the hell out of Charming when he'd originally planned. But now? He knows that he can change this club, that he can protect his family. A few years ago, she believed that he could do it. He hopes that he can show her that her faith in him was not wasted.

He's a selfish bastard. He wants his club and his family. He wants to spend his days with his brothers and get back to what the MC was originally about. He wants to spend his evenings with his family. He wants to play with his kids and put them to bed. He wants to spend his nights with his wife curled up beside him.

He just hopes that he can have it all.

"You've gotta trust me when say that I can protect our family, Tara."

"I know you can. I'm not going to make you choose between me and the club. I know that you're trying to make the club legit. You're out of guns, there's less risk of you going to prison, and most of all we're safe. But I wasn't actually talking about you protecting us."

Tara's face hardens.

His stomach drops.

"The women and the lies, that stops right now," Tara hisses. Her eyes narrow, and fuck if this makes him a dick, but he's a little turned on right now. Back in high school, he'd loved the jealous streak she had in her. Seeing her going after a girl who dared to put the moves on her man was a sure way to get his dick hard, and damn him if it still doesn't. Her next words soon kill his libido. "If you think I'm going to look the other way whilst you fuck crow eaters and porn stars, you've got another thing coming. If you ever fuck another woman who isn't me, then we're done. I can rationalize Ima and even Colette, but I will not forgive you again. This is your last chance. I love you Jax. But these past months have taught me that I can live without you if I have to. Do you understand?"

Jax swallows painfully. "Babe I don't want anyone but you-"

"Save it. I've heard it all before and I'm not interested in a repeat. _Do you understand?"_

"I understand." As soon as the words escape his mouth, Tara seems to deflate and the woman who looked ready to skin him alive is gone and back to his normally sweet wife. He stares at her and realizes that maybe she doesn't need him. But he needs her. He doesn't want to go back to how things were before her. To endless Jack, pussy and weed, trying to fill up the hole in his heart that she made when she left.

It scares the shit out of him just how hopeless he is without her.

He would never admit it to another soul, but there's a part of him that is certain that if they ever leave Charming, then Tara will realize just how much better she can do than him and leave him. He knows that Tara and the boys would thrive out of Charming, where as he has no idea what he could do.

"Let's go out," he says out of the blue, trying to push the thoughts away.

Tara furrows her brow. "What?"

"Lets go out. To breakfast." He looks at the alarm clock. "Or lunch," he amends when he sees the time. Seeing her confusion, he adds, "I wanna take you out."

Tara raises an amused eyebrow. "Are you asking me out on a date?"

Jax smirks. "Took you a while to get there, but yes, I am."

Tara laughs and it's like music to his ears. "You haven't taken me on a date since we were sixteen."

If he was anyone just Jackson Teller, he would be blushing right now. "Well, maybe it's time that we have another one."

Tara grins. "As much as I would love to go on a _date _with you, maybe we should stay in. I don't want to go out today."

His eyes flick down to her stomach and his grin fades. "Right." He considers his options and perks up. "Well, how about I make you breakfast?"

Tara raises an amused eyebrow. "You're going to cook for me?"

"Yeah."

"Do you even know how to turn the stove on Teller?" she says, her mouth twitching despite her effort to hide a smile.

"You're hilarious," he says stoically as she finally gives into her laughter, all the while trying to remember the last time he actually cooked a meal. "You're gonna love it. You'll see."

* * *

><p>"I'm gonna go get the boys." He picks up the keys to her car off of the table. It's late afternoon, and despite a few incidents with the fire alarm and Tara's constant amusement of the image of him cooking, breakfast hadn't gone too badly.<p>

Jax stares at her in concern. "Are you sure that you don't want me to stay? I'm sure that Gemma-"

"I don't want to talk about your mother Jax," Tara snaps. Jax stares at her as she runs a hand across her belly and it suddenly dawns on him.

"Tara-"

"I'm sorry," she says softly. "But I can't deal with Gemma right now. After everything with Wendy and last night, she's the last person I want to talk about. So please, just not now Jax."

Jax runs a hand down his face and suddenly feels exhausted. He pulls her against him and wraps his arms around her. "I'm sorry."

After some hesitation, she relaxes against him and wraps her arms around his waist. "It's not your fault."

_This time_, he thinks bitterly. He can't help but wonder if his mom wasn't such a crazy bitch, then none of this would be happening.

Tara runs a soothing hand down his back and looks up at him with wide, glassy eyes. "Really, it wasn't your fault. Last night- well, I don't know what I would have done without you. And if anything does happen to this baby-"

Jax tries to pull away from her, but her hands curl into his hoodie. "Tara, no-"

"If anything happens," she carries on as if he had not interrupted, her voice wavering. "It won't be your fault. This is something you can't control Jax."

Jax shakes his head in denial and grabs her face with both of his hands. "Stop talking like that," he says hoarsely.

"I'm being realistic Jax."

He presses his mouth against hers hard. "Listen to me. This baby is going to be fine." He presses a hand on her belly. "You heard the doctor, she's healthy and she's going to stay that way."

"You don't know that, Jackson."

He swallows painfully but looks her in the eyes and says, "No, I don't. But if something does happen, then we'll get through it." He wipes the tears from her eyes and holds her for a long while. She pulls away from him eventually and smiles shakily.

"Go get our boys, okay?" Jax nods and goes to leave.

"Hey, Jax?" she calls. He turns back. "Why don't you pack a bag too?"

Jax grins in surprise. "You sure?"

Her answering smile is a touch shy. "Yeah. I'm sure." She rests a hand on her stomach and goes to the bedroom leaving him staring after her in wonder.

The smile doesn't leave his face the entire drive to his mothers.

* * *

><p>Thomas' laughter is the first thing he hears when he walks into Gemma's house. Despite his exhaustion, he smiles when he hears it and the emotional roller coaster of the last twenty four hours is pushed aside when he see's his boys on the floor playing a game that he can never hope to understand. He imagines a little girl with dark hair playing with them and his throat becomes dry.<p>

"They've been at it all morning."

Jax turns to his mother and tries to keep his emotions off of his face. "Are they okay?" he asks tightly.

"Abel was upset when you weren't here when he woke up. Kept saying you promised him you'd be there when he woke up. But he soon forgot about it when I promised him some pancakes." Gemma places a hand on his arm. "Are you okay baby?" she says softly.

Jax shrugs her off. "Aren't you going to ask about Tara?" he says quietly. Gemma looks at him in surprise. "The baby's fine, thanks for asking." He walks away from her and goes to his old room. He pulls out a bag and without much thought starts to pack his shit. He feels Gemma's eyes boring holes into his back but he refuses to turn around.

"Jax, what's going on?"

He doesn't bother to turn around. "I'm going home."

Ignoring her stunned silence, he zips up his bag and goes to the boys room. He packs them up, briefly wondering how much shit they need for only one night.

"You've forgiven her then? After everything she did to you? To me?"

Jax turns to face his mother angrily. "Yes, I've forgiven her, and she's trying to forgive me. Stay out of it mom."

Gemma ignores him and hisses, "She hasn't earned your forgiveness. You're just going to let her back in, just like that? As for the other women, she knew who you were from the beginning. It's part of the life and she knows that. She's manipulating you Jax-"

He laughs bitterly. "That's rich coming from you."

Gemma looks at him innocently. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Jax looks at his mother in disgust. "That shit you pulled with Wendy? That stops now."

"Jax-"

"No! Tara almost had a miscarriage last night. Do you think it's a coincidence that it happened the the same day Wendy decides to come out of her hole?"

"Are you saying it's my fault? I had nothing-"

"I'm saying you pushing Wendy into the picture certainly didn't help her." Jax shakes his head in frustration. "Do you know how hard it is to convince her to let you see the boys? She was giving you a chance mom, and I'm pretty sure that you've just blown it."

"I'm their Grandma. They need me."

"No, they need their mother."

Gemma raises an eyebrow. "Are you honestly saying that you won't let me see my grandsons, Jackson? Are you really going to let Tara control you like that?"

Jax clenches his fists and leans closer to Gemma. "Tara doesn't control me. You won't be going anywhere near the boys, and that is _my_ decision. I warned you, mom. You've got nobody to blame for this but yourself. Stay away from my sons." He grabs the bags and leaves her standing in the boys bedroom. Guilt bubbles in his stomach when he hears her first sob, but then the memory of Tara clutching his hand in the hospital bed resurfaces, and he knows in that moment that he's made the right choice.


End file.
